


The Art of Self-Deception

by JulyStorms



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-07
Updated: 2015-06-07
Packaged: 2018-04-03 08:52:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4094689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JulyStorms/pseuds/JulyStorms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It wasn't love. That was what he told himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Art of Self-Deception

**Author's Note:**

  * For [eggs_and_toast](https://archiveofourown.org/users/eggs_and_toast/gifts).



> Happy Birthday to Glitch, who is now a quarter century old. ♥
> 
> UPDATE: Glitch has kindly drawn a lovely piece of art to go along with this story! Please check it out [here on Tumblr!](http://glitchikinnsblog.tumblr.com/post/120996611452)

He nearly kissed her once, years ago, when they were younger and less experienced and he had thought, for a few dramatic hours, that she was never coming back. He'd seen enough people die by then to feel afraid for her.

Nanaba was stronger than most, fiercer than most, more determined and certainly more _resolute_ than most, but she was not impervious, not invincible, and even though Gelgar knew she could hold her own, he also knew the reality of the world he lived in. They were all frightfully mortal in the end. That was the one thing they all had in common.

The three and a half hours it took for her to return felt much longer to him, then.

Nowadays the hours pass too fast and he wonders how many people they've left to die because they didn't wait long enough. It took three and a half hours for Nanaba to come limping back to the camp leading her lame horse, a horse the Survey Corps couldn't afford to shoot any more than they could afford to rehabilitate. Three and a half hours.

What if they had only waited for three?

He was hugging her before he could stop himself, a selfish kind of comfort at the time. She could have been badly hurt and all he could think to do was hold her to make sure she was real and breathing and okay. But Nanaba laughed a little, a tired kind of chuckle, and pinched his side.

He pulled back, then, to say something about how she was perfectly fine if she could manage pinch him so hard, but it died on his lips and he couldn't finish pulling away. His chest was aching and fluttering at the same time, and she was right there and she was all right, and there was a moment, however fleeting, when his nose brushed against hers and he didn't really care that her hair was damp with sweat or that her lips were chapped. He only thought one thing, and that was that kissing her would be a good idea.

The feeling passed before he could follow through; he pushed it away himself, told it to leave because it wasn't welcome and it was a lie. They weren't meant to be; they had all chosen their path in life and something small and stupid like a kiss would only make things more complicated, more difficult. He loved her all right, but he couldn't love her like that.

He bumped his forehead against hers, laughed in her face and pulled away, hoping she couldn't hear the way his voice nearly cracked when he said, "Don't fuckin' do that again."

"The pinching or the other?" she asked after a moment.

"The not being here thing," was his immediate answer, and he felt more certain about it than he had ever felt about anything.

* * *

It was relief that made him want to kiss her so badly. It wasn't love. That was what he told himself.

It's still not love, he thinks, sitting by Nanaba's bedside, holding her hand and rubbing his thumb over hers like that'll help her get better faster.

It's just that they've known one another for so long that the thought of waking up one day to the other not being there anymore seems impossible. Seems, but isn't. They were lucky this time. This time, they had horses. This time, the medical team was close by. This time, nothing vital was broken or fractured and the bumpy ride back to safety didn't kill her. He's seen it all and he knows every single one of the possibilities.

One of these days, he tries not to remind himself, they're gonna go out there and one of them won't be coming home.

But everything's okay right now. And it will continue to be that way.

He brings his index finger to his mouth and then presses it against the tip of Nanaba's nose. She shifts slightly, eyelashes fluttering as she tries to rouse herself. He pushes harder on her nose and plasters the best shit-eating grin on his face that he can muster. "Hey," he says.

Her voice is thick when it comes, and slow: "Didn't I tell you to get some rest or something?"

"Yeah, pretty sure you did, but I don't have to take orders from you. Last time I checked we held the same blessed rank."

She sighs and mutters something that sounds suspiciously like, "Stubborn idiot."

"Who's the stubborn idiot?" he asks. "I'm not the one with two goddamn broken legs and a concussion 'cause I wouldn't leave some poor slob to his fate, now am I?"

Her eyes cross as she tries to see his hand. "Get your finger off my nose."

He removes it, grin widening. "Sure thing, stubborn idiot." But then his smile slips. "You really coulda died, y'know."

"You could have, too."

"Yeah, but it was my own fault. You shoulda let me."

She's quiet for a moment, but then she squeezes his hand. "Don't be stupid. Even if there's a chance I won't be of any help, you can bet I'll be there."

"Oh yeah?"

"On one condition."

"What's that?"

The smirk that blossoms across Nanaba's face sets his heart to fluttering again. "I want a medal."

"What kinda medal?"

"It doesn't matter so long as it's called: Saver of Gelgar's Sorry Ass."

"Sorry?" he asks, settling back with a grin, fingers sliding through hers again. "I'm kind've offended. Maybe you need another look. It's a pretty great ass."

"Eh, it's tolerable."

"Tolerable? In these pants? That's it? I mean, come on, most asses are _tolerable_ , don'tcha think?"

"Saver of Gelgar's Mediocre Ass. I want that medal. I deserve it after this."

He laughs and leans forward to pinch her nose. "Yeah, fine, that works. You'll have it by Monday."

The way his chest tightens at the little smile she gives him isn't there because he loves her more than he ought to, he tells himself again. He's just happy, is all, and relieved to know that for now, at least, things will be able to carry on as before between them. It's all very simple. It has to be.


End file.
